“I woke up with my wife and baby of six months on the small island of Burano in Venice, where we have a lighthouse. We took our breakfast on the terrrace of one of the best restaurants in the world, Da Romano. I had one organic apple and fresh pomegranate juice, and a cookie made by the bakery next door. Then I started designing a new, affordable moped.” – Phillipe Starck

For those non-Uk readers who are not familiar with the magazine Private Eye, it is a British institution and a satirical magazine that will never be bettered. Inside the magazine is a section called Pseuds Corner where readers send in submissions of the most pretentious claptrap they’ve read that fortnight.

The above pseudism by Phillipe Starck was published in The Times in January and I saw my chance to claim £10 and duly put it forward. When the magazine came through the post yesterday I went straight to Pseuds Corner to see if it had been accepted. Hurray, huzzah, hurrah, there it was!

I was going to frame the cheque, an ambition in life had been achieved, my understanding of media and bullsh*t had been confiirmed and I had a little triumph to put in my back pocket. But, oh no, the wicked witch wasn’t having any of that, I had been beaten to the punch by one Valerie Morrow who must have submitted the same post earlier than I had.

The pain, the pain, the pain, but pretension always attracts attention and rightly so. In the midst of my previous life as Perennial Director of Lunch for the companies I promoted, lunch was long and duly pompous. So to describe that lifestyle, I used to intone to my non-luncheoning mates in a mockney accent straight out of LockStock the following:

“I’ll ‘ave some lamb shanks, some sel-er-ray-ic mash and some SHITake mushrooms all washed down with a bottle of SHATou-Nerf-du-Pap, you slagggggggggg!!!!”.

Not as pretentious as Mr Starck of course, a designer whom I admire, but you get my drift. Annoyingly I am also fond of a glass of pomegranate juice, I love Venice and I would like to live in a lighthouse one day. I even spent $300 on a shirt two years ago that had been doodled on by Philippe (not my best investment, although he might die soon).

So, the challenge remains to win a tenner from Private Eye although my Directorship of Lunch has changed somewhat. Nowadays it’s more likely to be a Mark & Spencer salad, some sunflower seeds and an energy bar all washed down with a cup of decaffeinated green tea.

But maybe it’s time to change that, I haven’t had a bottle of SHATou-nerv-du-PAP for ages… and I used to quite enjoy being pretentious.